The Second Quarterly Report

{ July 2, 2009 @ 3:20 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Originally posted June 26, 2007:

[Fantine has become a prostitute to support her daughter Cosette]
“Fantine: Come on Captain, you can wear your shoes! Don’t it make a change to have a girl who can refuse? Easy money, lying on a bed… Just as well they never see the hate that’s in your head! Don’t they know they’re making love to one already dead?”

-Les Miserables 1995

I actually wasn’t going to write my second quarterly report.  I was just going to skip it you know.  I felt if I was doing all the right things, why write about it?  Enough of being the raven-haired yet mousy intellectual individual.  I will keep it brief, merely because it would take up the better part of the next three months to share with you what I have learned about myself since we last spoke,  and what I have done to either credit or disprove the change that has commenced inside of me.

I love the Lord, and there is simply no other way to put it.  It wasn’t until I let Christ back into my life, that a work started in me, you know that.  I used to be all sorts of wild – you know sin is fun!  I won’t dispute that at all.  But I must say walking with Christ is just like any other relationship there are ups and downs and you just gotta roll with the punches.

The drama that I was going through was like a story of some oddity, and the climax happened when I became a member of my church two weeks ago.  I would like to thank everyone who has supported me thus far, and not given up on me.  A special thanks to P.T.N and family, and The Figueroa Foundation for their attendance; and lest I not forget Chopper Cardona™ for allowing God to wield his mighty power by using him as a vessel in bringing me back into his arms.  Muchas gracias pa’ todo mis amigos.

So, since then, my life has done this, I dunno,  I guess it would be an 180 degree turn for the good.  I am working two jobs, and I don’t seem to be tired, I have this persistence that I really and truly believe is only God’s grace leading me.  My Mary Kay business, thanks to S & S is totally heading in the right direction.  My life feels… full.  Purposeful.  I am still a long way from where I need to be, But I AM SO GRATEFUL that I am farther than where I was.

I pasted the quote above because well,  I haven’t allowed myself to become involved with anyone.  I hadn’t really even really noticed it, until I read that quote in a book  It’s really how I feel.  I am so dead to the idea of having a relationship its not even funny.

-__-

I’m really trying to be single and work at it, and not just falter (even if only for a little while) just because a relationship would be great and convienent and seemingly is like the normal thing to do, to be in, or strive for.  Like, who made up these rules?  LOL.  I’m good.  Running around and hanging with dead folks is not my bag.  I’m not saying the person has to be perfect at all.  I’m just saying no one is really who they say they are these days.   I am the woman that I say I am.  <— You see that?  That’s a period.  I have no idea if its the water or what, but the way that MOST men portray themselves nowadays is a totally different way than what I am looking for.  Most people would settle for less than what they deserve using the reasoning that “beggars can’t be choosers” or “you have to take what you can get.”  (Which is all I’ve been hearing lately when broaching the subject of relationships with different women I know).

Um.  Hello? Do you know who I am?  I am one of God’s favorite daughters.  Who made up these rules I say?  Rebel against that conformist and facist reasoning.  Allow God to work in you, speak the truth into your own life.  I watched this DVD about the secret to life, and I’m glad I paid $4.95.  It’s not a whole bunch of heebee geebee… its common sense… broken down into a language that I can understand… VISUAL…lol.  And it’s all about being positive and feeling positive.  And BOY.  If you thought that I was uuber positive before, you ain’t seen nothing yet baby!

The Importance of Clean Underwear

{ July 2, 2009 @ 3:12 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Originally posted April 19, 2007:

My mother always told me to make sure that I always had on clean underwear at all times… because you just never know.

But somehow, I saw it as an oversight that by not doing laundry, I would run out of clean underwear. (It has been raining cats and dogs all this past week, and the week before that it was snowing, so thanks!)

So, with great reservation, I just knew I had to break out my lingerie (all stuff I bought when I was with my ex) until I could find the time to get to a laundromat.

Tell me why I felt so… uggggggggh. the other day!   My hair was a complete and total mess! I was wet from all the torrential flooding that I just happened to be caught in; I felt like a soggy cheerio! It was not cute at all.

But there was a silver lining to end my misery; literally.  It turns out that there’s a little silver bell on the back of the apparatus that I was wearing.  So every single time I got up to sign for a package, or lead a client into the conference room, my little bell would jingle!  Everyone kept looking around for the bell!  And for those of you who haven’t seen me in a long time, I have a booty now!  So, of course my day got progressively better,  because I’m looking at everyone in passing like, “Screw you!  Do you have a bell on your panties?”  Oh? No? I didn’t think so!  I felt like Eartha Kitt.  I was purring and ‘rawr’-ing all day… lol…

Here’s to Eartha Kitt…. get ‘em girl…get ‘em…

Relevation (Don’t run girl!)

{ July 2, 2009 @ 3:04 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Originally posted April 10, 2007:

As I listen to my neighbors blast their music, I am forced to reckon with thoughts of doubt as to why I live here still.

I was in a mood tonight, I dunno why, but Alina invited me to go see Annie, which was being put on by Katie’s daughter’s school…which is like down the street from my house.

Alina was in my house, and I still didn’t want to go.   I made all sorts of excuses in my head, like: I should clean up, I should sleep, If I spend $5.oo on this ticket, I’ll only have $6.00 until payday, I need to wash my hair, etc.

But I did end up going, and I am such a wuss, that I cried during the first song.  I might just be “slightly delayed”.   I cried for a lot of things, mostly because I haven’t really grieved yet for a lot of things that just recently happened, I cried because that used to be me up there and it got me thinking that I’d love to be able do it again.

To be on a stage that is, performing with others.  I once had the talent, and I let outside factors break that spirit in me.   Which in reality goes back to dreams/goals and where I stand in life right about now.  Oh, I just wish that I could get into the severity here of what I’m going through but I can’t, like, explain it.  It’s a process happening that only God knows both the formula and solution to.  I never expected to relinquish total control of myself but here I am God.  You see my desires, and if what I want is really what you want for me, then I just pray that you make it so, in the time that you think that I can handle the responsibility.

So many hopes, so many dreams… I could almost be Annie.

Tomorrow.

The First Quarterly Report

{ July 2, 2009 @ 2:54 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Originally posted April 01, 2007:

Google, my favorite search engine, defines a Quarterly Report as a document produced (every three-month period) of the company’s condition, required of every publicly traded company. The report describes the operations of the company and includes the current balance sheet and income statement and notes any significant changes or events in the quarter.

A lot of you know about my personal sabbatical to devoid myself of “dating and mating”, (Insert laughter …now please.) so to speak, which was initially tougher than I thought.

So from January 1st to April 1st… here is my statement of responsibility.

Diva, Diva Inc., has suffered both tremendous gains and losses.  It seemed like just when I thought that I was getting ahead in life some investments that I had made as far as friendships go, backfired.  I suffered substantial emotional duress, extreme financial hardship, and the burden of proof, to write these mishaps off as a business expense.

The whole concept was NOT to dwell on these things.  When I started to worry, I found strength in a passage from the Bible which reads “I will repay you for the years that the locusts have eaten.” -Joel 2:25.  Tell me how deep is that?

I thought about how I could go about salvaging the lasting relationships that I had formed with people (damage control, if you will), especially the ones who were and are still vital to my company’s everyday growth.  I thought about how much these fine folks made an impact in my life, and if I were to lose them permanently, what it would mean to me.  Life is the longest thing you’ll ever do…you might as well spend it with people you enjoy being around.

So I began to pray to God specifically… I learned through talks with my spiritual advisers, that you have to be very specific when you talk to God.  It’s like walking into a room that is painted all black and telling the interior decorator that you want a lighter, sherbet-like color.  The interior decorator paints the room an Orange Sherbet color, and you get upset, because in your mind you were thinking a Light Blue Sherbet color.  Well… if you had have been specific in the first place, YOU and the INTERIOR DECORATOR would both be on the same page.  I’m totally letting God be my interior decorator… you feel me?

For a long time after I’d broken up with my ex, I thought to myself, why can’t I have the perfect relationship?  I tried so hard to make him happy, and yet he deceived me, played games with my heart and mind,  and I allowed him to.  I tried to cover it up and “excuse away” his behavior, but it was really damaging to my self image, I mean, I was a size 14/16 and I indeed, was the *BOMB!* when we started dating, and because of the stress involved with being in that relationship… I mean, I’m still the bomb, but it kinda looks like the bomb exploded a little if you will!  But it kind of hurts my heart to know that someone else is making him happy,  not because I’m jealous, but I think, what could I have done better?  When is it my turn to be loved in the way that I loved him?

But then I thought, hey! come on for a second! This sort of talk makes it seem like a relationship would be the ultimate “escape from life” for me, almost like a way to turn black-and-white into color.  I mean, I’m not saying that a relationship isn’t the only thing that makes life meaningful.  Maybe it is. Maybe love is all there is.  I dunno.  It’s all very confusing if you ask me, but that’s what growing up is all about… Learning if this works well for you, and if it doesn’t finding something else that will.  I think that I’d absolutely love to be in a relationship right about now, but… if I’m not at least trying to be happy on my own, then my whole strategy of getting into a LONG and HEALTY relationship is being undermined, I think.

And let me let you in about my feeling of the adivce that people have given to me.  Most times advice that isn’t warranted isn’t advice that we often take!  We as individuals have to learn the lesson ourselves.  Otherwise, we just won’t get it, and we will continue the same vicious circle… they say that experience is the best teacher… I heartily disagree… I’d have to say that obedience is the best teacher.   I believe that God teaches us the same lesson over and over again… until we learn it.. and being humble is something that I am trying to learn daily.
Because I’ve been through this “experience thing”, time and time again.  It isn’t until I start listening to myself, (the inner me) the things that have been instilled in me by my parents, and the authority of my high power that I said, HEY!  This is all my fault!  We sometimes are our own worst enemy!

So with that said, I think I’ve concluded this report.  If I have left anything out, please feel free to comment and or vandalize my page with insults… hahaha… I was JUST KIDDING.

A Fat Moment From the Memoirs of…

{ July 2, 2009 @ 2:28 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Originally posted March 01, 2007:

Today, on my hour lunch break, I strolled into Wendy’s Family Restaurant and they had a sign on the cash register, almost minute in size, but a sign nevertheless that stated, “Try Our New Premium Fish Sandwich.”

Now, to anyone that could have just been advertising… but to me, it was like a ray of sunshine + the effervescent powers of Alkaseltzer just bubbled over into my heart.

Wendy’s has a fish sandwich finally.

Now, to tell you the truth, I wasn’t really expecting to enjoy the sandwich, because I only had 25 minutes left to my hour lunch break…

But oh, how my subconscious fooled me!

I sat down on the swively stooly thingy and I prepared my food like I always do.  Drinking stein to the right at a 90 degree angle; I opened up the sandwich and spread the paper out so that all four corners were flat on the surface of the counter, pushed my sandwich to the far right of the paper and proceed to pour out my french fries onto the remainder of the wrapping.

There is nothing in this world that could have prepared me for the extreme pleasure that I did partake in this afternoon!  I took my first bite into the sandwich, and was overwhelmed with the wanton desire to devour the remainder of this juicy morsel of finely breaded and fried and laid to the side, Cod. So I tried right?

But my teeth got into the way, and I ended up biting the inside of my top lip on the right side of my mouth.  I was at a stand still… do I stop eating, or do I go into the ladies room to check the wound?

I solved my dilemma by stuffing my mouth with french fries.  I figured the salt content of a mouthful of Wendy’s fries was just enough to start the coagulation of blood in order to form a clot to stop the imminent bleeding.

I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow.

Adam Can Have His Rib Back!

{ July 2, 2009 @ 2:10 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Originally posted February 01, 2007:

I did some soul searching at church yesterday…and this blog is a reaffirmation of an earlier blog that was posted.
God is Good. Amen?

My current Status for all of 2007= Single and meaning it.   Don’t come up to me during these next 11 lonnnnnnnng & excruiciating months (JK Lord, JK), talking about you’d like to give it a try…because the answer is going to be “No Thanks”.   Funny thing about MEN (ick!) and what I’d like to call the “chase factor”,  is that once you give into their persuasive charms, you have to keep playing this game to keep their attentions focused on you.   I could talk about this subject until I turn blue in the face, and have no room in my third stomach to inhale dessert, but well, that’s not my bag.

I feel as if I were to say what I really wanted to say, my life would become the courtroom dance scene in CHICAGO (which I lovvvvvve that play and movie by the way).  I really don’t have the strength to be razzling and dazzling anyone this year.  Can I focus more on God?  Can I let God be my King and Number 1 in my life, instead of the desires to:

Want a relationship, when I’m not ready for one.

Be lifted of the burden to be debt free.

Have people in my life, that are no good for me.

Live my life the way that others think that I should.

I sort of thought that games were done and over with when adolescence passed, but apparently not.  I was waiting on God to send me a soul-mate, and last summer, WHEW! It seemed like God was throwing fastballs at me left and right, but I now think that I wasn’t supposed to catch some of them, I was supposed to miss one or two, and walk to home or something!  But NOW, I kind of am not even excited to see what God has for me when it comes to relationships.

I believe that my blessings will be provided to me on a much smaller scale if I try to design everything in my life myself.  Can I get a large order of Divine Intervention with Holy Spirit Blessings on the side?

I’ve already asked HIM, Lord, please keep it in the package and return to sender, because I really need to work on me, and learn how to keep promises to myself like being single for a year – seriously.  If God doesn’t provide me with the what I’ve asked him for when this is all over, then I shall not be discouraged and my faith shall not be moved, that just means that He’s up to something bigger than I could imagine and besides, this love thing stinks!  As far as I’m concerned, Adam can have his friggin’ rib back, because I’m completing myself this season.

Bye Bye Bushie!

{ July 2, 2009 @ 1:46 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Originally posted January 20, 2009:

You want to know something?  I was outraged when Al Gore was cheated out of the presidency, and I was nonplussed when the obvious majority of Americans voted for Bush OVER John Kerry.   For eight years, I, like Martin Luther King, Jr., have had a dream as well, a dream that George W. Bush would just eat another handful of popcorn and choke.   But that didn’t happen, so the powers that be, selected me to be the Make- A- Wish- child, and Barack Obama came on the scene and made me have hope, not because he’s black, but because he is saying something that I understand. Because he’s been educated well, both in books and in family value.   I am happy that we have chosen this non-violent approach to getting the greediest president, aside from Nixon, out of office.   I am happy because all of the money that George and his companies have gained from his presidency, Barack Obama is taking it back.   Love that man! (No offense Michelle)

25 Random Things About Me!

{ July 1, 2009 @ 9:18 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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This was originally posted on my Face Book page.   I, of course, have tweaked it.  Enjoy.

1. I. Love. The Lord.   He is the only man that probably is really and truly in love with me.   I mean… he laid down his life, so that I could live mine more abundantly. HI!

2. All of my best friends put their eggs in one basket.   Ummm… I like different baskets.   However, the one time I tried their method of all my eggs in one basket, I ended up moving to New York City, with a basket case.

3. I am a BIG GURL!  Sometimes I wish I was a smaller-sized BIG GURL!  Like a size 12 or a 14.   It is a work in daily progress.   But never in my life have I desired to look like a twig.. or even Twiggy. End Quote.

4. I think I was supposed to be a Gemini because half of me is a selfish person by nature while other half is definitively more giving by nature.  Everyday these two sides battle until the death.

5. I can soufflé, crème, scratch, sift, flour, and/or whip up anything gourmet in my cocina(kitchen, not cooch), but I cannot, for the life of me, make just lain white rice for beans.   Real Talk… ask my man.

6. I am in love with the island of Puerto Rico.   I only went once for three days, and I think I know how to get everywhere just from memory.   I can’t wait to go back.   I’ve done very well in my relationships with Boricuas.   One of my best friends is Puerto Rican.   My first love was Puerto Rican, my second love and my current love as well.  I make Puerto Rican food for my Puerto Rican boyfriend and his Puerto Rican kids.  I actually think that I was Puerto Rican in a past life.  Ok, just assume that I am Puerto Rican.  It’s crazy.

7. I often struggle with the fact that I left a city where everybody knows my name, and they are always glad I came; to move into a city where no one but Ed the mailman knows my name and no one really cares if I am coming or going.

8. My life is DRAMA (because of all my different baskets) so much that people tell me all the time that I should write a book or star in my own show.  I dream of following through on these suggestions, but I always have this internal fear that when my friends read the book or watch the show, they will realize how messed up of an individual I really am and leave me alone to my devices, my T.V. and my book.

9. I can never watch a whole show on TV.  What I mean by this is; I can watch a season.  As in the number 1.  Note my one season love affairs with: The Sopranos, The OC, Nip/Tuck, ER, Charmed, The Gilmore Girls, etc.  I can’t go for more than that. I’m just not a committed marathon seasoner. .::shrugs::.

10. I think that women should be able to compliment other women if they feel like it.   If I see a girl and she has on something cute, I will tell her, unless of course I think the ensemble would look better on me.  The problem with this reasoning is that random women think that I must be a lesbian trying to hit on them or that I must have bumped my head!  “Who does she think she is telling me my shoes are fly?!”  – Heifers!

11. I am an overachiever.  When something doesn’t go my way as per my design for it to do so, I shut down shop and start on something new.   This includes relationships, work, pottery, the cello, the drums, volleyball, crocheting, cleaning.  You name it, if I stink at it,  I will give up.

12. I am very emotional.  If I have an argument with a friend, I will cry out of frustration.  If I get chastised at work, I cry.  I was abused as a child.  So don’t tell me to get over it or that I need a backbone.  My inner child will reach out and slap the crap out of you.

13. I need a backbone.

14. My occupational outlook has changed so much, that I’m not sure what I want to do with my life.  I am a jack of all trades, and have a master’s degree in none.  I have worked at McDonald’s as a manager-in-training, a tax preparer, an accountant’s office, two brokerage firms, a travel agency, selling security systems, I own two businesses, and currently work supporting people who have developmental disabilities.  I spent $23,000 to become a legal secretary at Katherine Gibbs.

15. I voted for the McCain/Palin ticket.  I never vote outside of my party.

16. I am multicultural.  Not because I want to or am “trying to be” Latina or Black or White.  I am multicultural because I am Mexican, Black, German and Italian. I choose to acknowledge all of me. It’s my prerogative to celebrate all of the things that make me what I am. I have to disagree with an excerpt I read from a prominent politician’s book about “people like me.” He shouldn’t have said it. If he wants to make sure everyone knows he’s black first, then he’s not separate from people like me at all.  It’s his prerogative to do so. He antagonizes himself to make sure everyone knows he’s got the black gene.  Give us, us free.  End of Story.  No.  I’m really done.

17. The above statement is why I voted for the McCain/Palin ticket.

18. I smoked cigarettes for a whole year, from 2004 – 2005, because everyone else around me smoked.  I gave up cold turkey.

19. I was proposed to three times from 2007 – 2008.  I am now not married.

20. I love the single life.  However I am a chronic relationshipper.  I’ve done a three-year bid, a five-year bid, a one-year bid, only to go back into the slammer for not finishing the five-year bid, which in actually makes it a six-year bid, and now I’m doing time with someone with kids.   So much for time off due to good behavior.

21. I have a one and a half inch scar above my left breast.   People always point and ask “What happened?”.   I tell them I got into a knife fight with a girl who pointed at me and asked what happened.

22. I want one (1)  child one (1) day.  This number has been drastically reduced from the days of playing M.A.S.H. when I was 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 and wanted, 5, 7, 6, 4 ½ , and 9 kids.

23. I always worry about love and success and money.  Like I worry about how all of them will fit into my life.  Because I love money, and in order to have money,  I need to be successful.   But when you are successful, I believe it becomes harder to find love or be in love, because if the other person is not as successful, they might become resentful and love someone else.  And then I’ve been told that money isn’t everything, and that its better to be broke in money and rich in love, so I’m just confused.

24. I once paid money that I didn’t have, to go on a skiing trip in New Hampshire and didn’t go skiing.  Nor did I follow through on my diabolical plan to at least give the appearance that I was skiing by taking a picture outside fully dressed with skis.   I apologize to all of my social networking friends.   I let you down.

25. I actually voted for Barack/Biden.   I just get frustrated.  I think I’ll go cry.  Get Over IT!